Namaste 🙏🏻
"When I see an anxious person, I ask myself, what do they want? For if a person wasn't wanting something outside of their own control, why would they be stricken by anxiety"
Epictetus
She used to spend hours doing her makeup and hair in front of the big mirror in her rented apartment. She had mascara bought by saving on lunches, a couple of bright PUPA eyeshadows like her classmate's, a hair dryer, and a bunch of hairclips she rarely used. Early on she realised that lipsticks didn't quite suit her, so to compensate for the 'lack' of colour she would go for a thick layer of other available products. The hair had to be curly to complete the look. And that meant sleeping uncomfortably with those old-fashioned hair rollers which caused neck pain, disrupted sleep, but certainly added some cute waves to the morning look. And finally, a generous dose of the hair spray to make those curls last. She would stand for hours in front of the mirror getting ready for uni - not a birthday party, a night out, or some special gathering. Years of enormous effort were invested into looking very unnatural, but accepted by the society she was raised in. It’s something she regrets now, but she equally recognises that certain things at a certain age aren't entirely our personal choice.
The 'always look pretty' motto was a daily ritual among girls in her circles. Whether going to the shop, taking out the rubbish, or meeting a friend, appearance was paramount. That was the source of confidence. Once she bumped into a neighbour, who thought she looked unwell just because there wasn't enough 'colour' on her face. Another time a friend rolled their eyes at her different appearance and asked: 'what's wrong?' Not being familiar with any other response but embarrassment and fear of not being accepted, she wouldn't make that 'mistake' again and complete the look regardless of the circumstances.
Following the 'always look pretty' model seemed effortless, with TV and Cosmo flashing perfect beauty images and fairy tales that all girls 'deserved' to live. They didn't need to plan their career, work on their personality, or invest time reading inspiring books. They could just make themselves look cute, go out and hope that sooner rather than later their prince would turn up - hopefully, handsome, with money and the house, not necessarily kind, smart, or with good values. They would fall in love, share the good news amongst their friends and relatives, who had been watching the exact same Hollywood dramas and get everyone's sigh of admiration, nod of approval, and blessing to have kids. All that being another source of confidence. So life was sorted! Unless something didn't go quite according to the plan...
The perfect prince never appeared, and the prospects that did were never a good fairy tale match. It was a blessing because who she really needed at the time was someone who would turn off the rubbish TV, feed her a bunch of eye-opening books, take her hand, and lead her out of that dangerously comfortable and extremely deceiving romantic bubble she'd been living in for years. Unfortunately, no one came to the rescue. There were a number of attempts from people who were very concerned and keen to teach her how to live a 'good life'; however, given the absence of constructive feedback and her strong emotional immaturity, they were vigorously ignored. As the 'being still young' excuse was slowly becoming obsolete, her behaviour and choices were getting only more irrational and unhealthy.
She was offended when friends couldn't make it to dinner, regardless of the reason. If they promised - they should come. She would get moody each morning while on holiday making her close friend suffer from an awkward silence. And such mood would last until she'd had her tasty breakfast, got a dip in the sea or something else external would give her a fake boost of dopamine. She thought her boss was unfair, but it never occurred to her that perhaps the reason that all the good accounts were going to this other girl in their telesales team was because she was easier to work with, less demanding and more appreciative. If she met that girl now, she would apologise to her for being selfish and silently hating her. She couldn't stand being alone, because she didn't know what to do with her time and figuring it out was never on her agenda. No one taught her how to do that when she was younger, so how was she supposed to figure it out now? The usual solution would be calling up a friend and committing herself to a long commute to whichever part of London just so that the day was not 'wasted'. Another great alternative was unnecessary shopping.
Moving to a city with a huge variety of different cultures was gradually making an impact. At the end of the day getting frustrated with others on a regular basis couldn't possibly be because something was wrong with them all. That was after she had already destroyed a bunch of professional relationships, lost friends, blamed others for her unhappiness, developed huge anxiety (and the list could go on). She finally started paying attention to the world around her. The world where you take ownership of your own life if you don't want to end up like a miserable and lonely person. Such a person would spend time checking out other people's profiles looking for someone who is doing worse than them; believe that other people's success is pure luck and they are just not the fortunate one; instead of educating themselves avoid intelligent people; and instead of getting in touch with their emotions snap at people each time something wasn't going their way.
Something had to change. And that something, obviously, was her. But she had zero ideas about what was causing the pain. Her subconscious knew that she didn't enjoy being 'extreme' in her emotions, hurting others and herself, and wasting her time doing things that weren't adding much value to anyone's life. But in reality, recognising 'something was wrong' was just an assumption based on discomfort and anxiety. Having learned this term much later helped her discover the very foundation of it.
Many of us are anxious without realising it. Developing awareness is the hardest part and doesn't come easily. All the leading up to it symptoms and signals we tend to ignore, including feedback from others, sudden aches in the body, or chronic stress in our responses to some very trivial situations. We prefer not to notice them, wait until they are gone or distract ourselves with another 'important' task on our devices. If physical pain becomes unbearable, we may be ready to start looking for tools. If not - hopefully, while doing all that anxious browsing by some lucky coincidence we may run into an educational video, read an insightful article, or come across a person whose experience we can resonate with. Recognising a problem requires a lot of paying attention and being mindful. But when we live in a bubble, those qualities are unknown to us. We have to willingly create space for them.
The change was gradual. Awareness of her reliance on 'external' factors to maintain her mood peaked in her mid-thirties. Yoga, the chronic condition, the pandemic, all led to a significant shift in her behavioural patterns. Healthy eating habits came about around the same time. Her shopping basket was filling up with books and nut butters. She was now spending hours listening to audiobooks or new episodes of 'how to live a healthy lifestyle' type of podcasts. They included everything from a healthy diet to healthy emotions, healthy relationships, and healthy language. She also had moments where she would simply sit in silence. She wasn't feeling anxious about being alone anymore. As soon as she started practising newly acquired skills on her existing and new friends, she got mainly positive feedback with the exception of a couple of people who thought she was digging too deep. Patience was never her strongest suit, so she may have been discovering things a little too fast. But she felt like she owed it to herself and those around her after having wasted so much time on distracting entertainment, unnecessary digital photo albums and excessive shopping to make herself feel 'good'. The world started turning a different colour - the colour of unlimited opportunities to learn about herself through the stories of others, and build healthier connections with people.
Had she not gotten sick or if the pandemic hadn't happened, other routes to improvement might have appeared. Or maybe life had been throwing other 'wake-up calls' at her much earlier in life, but she missed them due to her ignorance and fear of change. Often she thinks this was meant to be, but at times she gets anxious: what if she somehow ended up stuck in her bubble much longer? What if she kept looking for solutions to all her problems outside herself? Or kept making her friends, family and colleagues accountable for her losses and disappointments? Her mind is very good at storytelling - it must be the Hollywood influence. Now and again, she reminds herself that these stories need some proper proofreading and that the actual story, not without its flaws and imperfections, is the one she needs to keep working on. She's grateful to those who stuck by her side all this time and can empathise with those who recognised that they didn't need that toxic connection and let her go. Similarly, she finds reassurance in her newly acquired healthy relationships, which confirm she's on the right path toward becoming a healthier version of herself and motivate her to keep going.
Have a healthy day
What are the sources of your anxiety?
Inspiring Content
Comments