Namaste 🙏🏻

Back in the days preparing for a trip for her involved exhaustive lists of things to do, places to visit and foods to try. She didn't mind lists per se, nor did she mind research; she certainly loved travelling. However, she never truly grasped whose interests those lists served and how they actually made her feel. After spending a long weekend in Krakow crammed with activities from a guidebook, she would return needing another holiday to rest from the one she'd just been on. Her trip to Amsterdam was so overwhelming that all she could recall later were delicious and generously sized pancakes she had on her breaks between doing all the stuff. The pressure to participate in popular activities and not 'miss out' was present even on the Turkish coast - supposedly a relaxing beach destination. The only thing she is still proud of is the courage she found to try paragliding. These guides, agents and trip advisors seemed so impressive - much like many online resources today. As a result most of her decisions were influenced by someone else's preferences, recommendations and interests and back then it was the only way she knew.

At the age of 35 her body gave up. And not because of all the travelling, but because of the marathon of uninterrupted events, barrage of activities, constant planning and invitations she couldn't say 'no' to. She didn't seem to be able to differentiate between what she chose and what was chosen for her. She was left with a bunch of beautiful photos, but an exhausted body and a confused mind. She had no idea who to ask for help. When she did, she'd be confronted with the question: 'What's wrong?'. And that would bring her down more. She struggled to explain to her students that once a joy, it now became a torture to find focus and engagement for 3 hours while teaching. Her appetite was suddenly gone. Once a great sleeper, her new sleep pattern started to average at 3-4 hours and that created the most unwelcoming state of mind she'd ever experienced - anxiety.

Feeling unwell is undoubtedly distressing. Good nes is that according to research negative emotions often prompt us to act more decisively as we seek solutions. When she got signed off work by the most empathetic and competent GP she was blessed to have at the time, she spent her 6 weeks filled with chronic fatigue, tears, mostly lying down and isolation from friends. Her mind forgot what it was like to go to parties, hang out with friends on Friday night and schedule museum tours in the minimal gaps of her schedule. Instead, she was absorbed by books, attended psychotherapy sessions, listened to podcasts and conducted extensive research on mindfulness while glued to her sofa. Discovering the concept of mindfulness was the most profound revelation she came across, which not only fit in well with the new and inevitably slow lifestyle, but awakened her mind from deep sleep.

She still remembers attending the first session on the Mindfulness course, being asked to chew on a raisin and describe how it felt. 'Weird!' - she thought. Now, she takes time to connect with her food. The texture it has, the smell, the flavours, and maybe some memories it brings up. How balanced and nutritious the meal is, how much love was put into it. Whether she should try and make it herself, visit the same place again, recommend it to others, compliment the chef or leave a review. Taking the time to not just finish the food and feel full, but to engage with the experience and appreciate it.

Developing mindfulness with her choices has gradually become a must have item in her daily schedule and the main healer. Not medication, not a change of diet, but adding this one simple habit of being 'awake' into her daily routine. When she returned from a holiday in Greece back to Turkey, everyone was asking what she thought of the typical Greek food. To their disappointment she had to confess that she tried none. Even though the lovely hotel receptionist lady gave her a whole list of the 'must go' traditional places, she chose to follow her instinct and personal wishes. Most recommended places were very instagrammable, cosy, offered what looked like traditional food, music entertainment and 241 deals on cocktails. It looked tempting as she walked past them hunting for some delicious Asian flavours. She went with nostalgia over Indian food which she used to have as home delivery back in London to keep her warm and cosy during crisp wintery nights. December was still pretty mild in Greece, but the comfort of spicy paneer curry was a well-thought through choice.

She hasn't completely liberated herself from external influences. She still reads news, consults tourist guide books and follows some Instagram accounts. She allows the weather to 'rule' her day and decide for her whether she stays in or goes out. Something to work on, but that's also how she feels closer to it. On some days, FOMO also pops up and she recognises the challenge. She takes pictures, but they almost never get shared unless there is a valid reason for that. On days off, she allows herself to pause, reflect and do less. She takes occasional breaks and takes 'naps', it's all a work in progress, but she makes sure that most of the time she is staying 'awake'.

Have a healthy day

Are you in charge of your choices?