Namaste 🙏🏻
"I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened."
Mark Twain
It all started in her early years. Growing up her mom and older sister often worried. Her dad seemed ok, relatively unaffected, but the predominant energy of worry in their home was unmistakable. They often behaved as if they were late for something, and were rushing while getting ready. Some bad news in another part of the world would spark lengthy discussions about global decline, setting a somber tone at home. Any local misfortune was a topic of intense focus, with everyone pondering, 'What if that happened to us?' No one questioned whether this worrying was necessary or helpful.
'What if' became a family mantra, focusing most of the time on potential negative outcomes. Statements 'designed to worry' were often made: 'It's better not to pet a street dog, what if it bites you? Remember that kid that got bitten?' Even leisure time came with warnings: 'Don't run, don't jump, be careful, what if you get hurt?' Up until now, her mom worries about her doing yoga and paddle boarding. She fears the risk of injury. What her mom doesn't know is that she's already hurt and injured herself a few times, recovered and started again. And that alongside the occasional discomfort and a chance to get hurt, she experiences tons of positive emotions and life lessons.
Playing the piano and having friends over for computer games were encouraged, because they seemed safe and were under supervision. The music part in particular made her mom very proud - once her own dream, it has now been fulfilled by her daughter. Mingling with boys was off-limits, because they were assumed to be more violent. Physically - maybe, but mentally she would argue that their presence could lighten the complex and sometimes mean world of girls.
The collapse of the USSR wasn't an easy period for the parents. They had to be creative and act fast to support their kids after losing their jobs. Her mom did exceptionally well: one of the very few who put on her business hat, which she didn't even know she had, she started making money through buying and selling pretty much anything she could get her hands on. The business took a long time to take off due to lack of knowledge and experience. Working hard meant spending little time with her kids and being constantly stressed about what was coming. She often worried about minor things, like a mild skin rash on her daughter. She was probably even more worried that it was the result of her failure to watch her. She couldn't communicate it, and blamed herself in silence, mixing anger with worry. She chased an 'ideal image' where she would cook for the entire family, take care of the house, provide for her children and always be there to protect them from every minor misfortune. Her mom never complained about hardships and accepted them as her destiny. It was very heroic of her. Naturally, the endless to-do list caused occasional bursts of frustration and despair, which in turn made a huge impact on her children's emotions, especially later in life.
The real challenge was not the childhood, but the 'worry race' pattern she adopted growing up. It disturbed her not knowing why she was reacting so anxiously. If there was no immediate response to her work email, she would assume that was because something was wrong with her message. If a friend didn't want to meet, that was because they were upset with her. She didn't even consider simpler reasons like them being busy or unwell. Her mind turned silence into complex, worrying scenarios that disturbed her sleep and caused anxiety. Until she started to develop awareness of the source of her worries, it never occurred to her that the stories her mind was creating were the product of over 30 years of patterns and scripts. Only then she started to realise that most of her choices were not truly deliberate but rather an unconscious pursuit of her habits.
When 'sleepwalking' was no longer an option, she started looking through her memory album and sharing her childhood stories with a therapist. She started asking herself some very powerful questions:
Is my worry true?
Is it necessary?
Is it helping me?
Is it within my control?
Answering 'no' felt like a relief. Answering 'yes' to some of them triggered a number of new, thought-provoking questions that needed even more focused answers. She failed a lot of times to get to the bottom of them and felt confused, at times hopeless, before they even started to make any sense.
She still fails now, but after so much reflection, it feels more like a step toward becoming more aware. Now, if her message stays unread, she puts her phone away and does other things. She checks in with her friends to see if everything is okay instead of letting her doubts linger. If she wakes up at night fretting over a trip, her cat, an undelivered package, or grumpy text from a friend, sometimes she laughs it off; other times, it frustrates her. She might not fall back asleep easily and should plan a less demanding day ahead. But most importantly, she acknowledges that it's all a work in progress and recognises that the habitual worrier is gradually transforming into a resilient 'warrior' who's committed to discovery, action, and growth.
Have a healthy day
What worries have you turned into lessons?
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